solisaureus:

came home drunk last night and got way too excited to see my cat

My mistakes paint me like the orange and yellows of fall leaves,

I wish i could relinquish them like the changing of seasons.

That i could shed them like fall leaves, freeze them like the snow, and warm again during spring to a new and renounced version of myself.

But the mistakes are like the wind,

always caressing me with each and every howl

They wind around and around,

uproot me like the roots of a tree during a hurricane.

But they are so familiar,

they are all I’ve ever known.

I don’t know how to let them go like the changing of seasons,

I hope as i age,

they start to fall like branches off of an oak tree in Georgia.

Maybe they’ll wipe off like an island underneath the wretched winds of a hurricane.

Just maybe,

just maybe i will turn into summer,

warm and green,

fighting fire of fury,

coming out the other side warm and whole.

I was broken. And I’m so sorry to you, because you had to feel every ripple of my sorrow even when i ripped myself away in shambles. And maybe we will always love each other but not in the way that lasts forever. Just that long love, that maybe never diminishes and is always a lingering feeling of “what if”. But live & be happy, feel the waves and the emotions of life for all their glory. For my sweet dear, you are magnificent in every way.

tuapaz:

stuckinapril:

i have mastered the art of stressing out and not caring whatsoever simultaneously

(via underthesewesternskies)

I hope you can forgive me for who i once was. I hope you understand I should have never brought you down on the path of self sabotage & destruction. I hope you forgive me for being 20 & not knowing a damn thing, the world felt like it was swallowing me whole, i found fighting and destroying to be the best way out of that mess. I guess i can say I’ve learned from who i used to be, but now all these people have these terrible impressions of me but they have no idea what was going on inside, or the person i would eventually become. And maybe I’m not all the way glued back together but at least my heart isn’t in the ocean & my brain isn’t unplugged. I’m sorry to everyone. I’m sorry for everything. That i could never be who you wanted me to be, that i could never even really be who i wanted to be. But i tried. And I’m trying. And I’ll just continue to try harder and break the chains of mental illness & fight my way towards something better. The 20’s suck.

And we know it’s never simple, never easy. Give her a clean break, there’s no one here to save me.

quiereme-besame-amame:

jxzxbxllx:

gumuhit:

be healthily sensitive. tell them you’re hurt when you’re hurt. describe what hurt you. no silent treatment and passive aggressiveness. be honest. don’t compromise your emotion. don’t bottle it up. weigh the issue. understand and maybe, forgive.

siempre. logical thought patterns.

Note to self

The truth is though.. if I’m not busy or constantly going.. it comes back. The web of darkness that consumed me for years will return. I’ll fall back into the rabbit hole of wonder and despair. But sometimes my sadness feels like coming home. It’s so familiar and sweet, somehow it reminds me i can feel again. Without the sadness and heartache i forget what it’s like to be human, to feel deeply into my soul, maybe that’s why i blast sad music just to force myself to cry. Sometimes i wonder if I’ve forgotten who i am entirely or if I’ve morphed into the butterfly i was always meant to be. I can’t tell.

Does anyone really give a fuck about what i say? Is digging deep into my mind alarming? Sometimes i can’t tell.